I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
