??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE WE ARE TOO FUCKING ELEVATED.
Me either! Fuck yeah, 12th and something. 12th and hamburger stand.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Randomize
