Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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