Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
