I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
