I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
