Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
