Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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