I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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