The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
