3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
