Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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