Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
