Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
