I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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