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So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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