I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
