My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
