i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
