I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
