I must be too annoying 4 u.
1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
