Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
