Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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