Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
