You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
