Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
