she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
