I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Randomize
