I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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