You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
