I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
