You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Randomize
