On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
