Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
