I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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