someone threw a dead crab at me
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Randomize
