Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
