someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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