everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
