I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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