Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
