my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
barbara walters just said penis...
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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