Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
