Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
