you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
