last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
