If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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