eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
