I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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