i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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