i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
